The hardest part about life is counter-transference. You might think I am talking about life as a social worker, but really I mean just our everyday life. The concept of transference isn’t unique to social work. Whenever we listen to someone else or witness some event, it sparks some internal reaction connected to the past. That’s very natural I think. It gives us a clue as to why relationships can be so difficult. We are always confronted with our unresolved past as we try to connect to others. It can be very easy to make a conversation about another into one about ourselves.
During my first couple of years as a Social Work Intern, I realized that, over and again, that the main topic that would emerge with almost all the clients is a need to develop empathy. Or perhaps a lack of empathetic skills. In the context of this blog, we might say that the inability to empathize with another is the inability to notice that counter-transference has kicked in. Consciously putting aside one’s baggage is as important to a normal human relationship as it is to the therapeutic alliance. Some people simply do not know that they can do that, nor how, and they especially don’t understand the urgent need to. If we do not put our unresolved conflicts aside as a regular part of our activity, then , as my first year mentor said “We are being controlled by dead people.” Zombie references aside, it’s an interesting point. I cannot tell you how many times I have used that line and watched a client laugh themselves silly.
Acknowledging our counter-transference is the key to obtaining what we really want in a relationship. By doing so we are supporting and extending compassion in the exactly the way they need. That is why we go to each other to vent, ask for advice, or just to be in the comforting presence of someone who makes us feel safe. By doing this for another, it naturally makes them want to do so for you. Thus, you get what you really want, which is someone to help you feel safe and loved. Relationships can only work when each partner is willing to mutually give of themselves. A relationship can be of any type, friends, lovers, family or even the guy working your local deli counter. In all these relationships, all we want is the same basic thing, safety and compassion. In other words, all we want is for someone to put aside their counter-transference for just one minute of their day. Not too much to ask, but easier said than done.
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I agree about counter-transference- it’s simply the clinical term for stating that you evaulate and react to human being based on your personal experiences, which may cause bias in your interaction. In a therapeutic situation one must be aware of this, as it interfere in truly listening to and understading a client’s situation, and actually cause harm in the therapeutic relationship. And this does stand true for ALL relationships as well. Without self-awareness, one cannot be truly aware of others- unacknowledged personal bias can interfere with real understanding.
As far as everyone looking for safety and compassion- well, world would be better if that were true. For most people, sure- but there are those that seek to dominate, and ensure not only their safety but their dominance over others, with no room for compassion. Anti-socials are their label, and they fill our boardrooms as well as our prisons.
Well said both Michael and Matthew! I do not need to say more on this subject…..