Why I’m Going To Bed This New Year’s Eve

It’s been a long time since I’ve written, and even longer still since I haven’t waited in eager anticipation for the countdown to midnight on my favorite holiday. New Year’s has always been my favorite holiday. It’s filled with excitement, hope, and this lingering glitter left over from holidays just recently passed. Each year, regardless of situation I make sure that the countdown is part of my day. I don’t believe in resolutions, only deciding that this year, this year I will be sure to make better than the last in some way. Usually I’d do one of my famous “top 5 list.” But I’m tired. It’s a tiredness that comes after the first semester of a PhD program, full of classes and research, and work. And it’s a tiredness that comes with seeing the end of a year which shocked the nation and the world.

You see, there have been so many amazing things to look back on this year. And we should, because those are the things that matter. Those are the things that save lives, bring change, foster hope, and above all, make the year better than the last. There have also been some truly horrific things. History seems much closer than it did a year ago. Rising tides of hate overshadow so much of what was achieved. And so I’m tired. Maybe you are too. Or maybe you’re angry that I dare speak in negative terms about what has occurred. That I “should have seen it coming” and “this is what we need.” Regardless of which side you’re on all I can say is this. My beliefs haven’t changed either. I still believe in the goodness of people. I still believe that we are in the Middle Ages awaiting our Renaissance, and this year will not be that year. I still believe that regardless of what is occurring, what we’re hearing and seeing, that we will come together, rise up as the initial hate and despair die down. All in all, I still believe in you, and I still believe in New Year’s.

I’m from New York, and have never seen New York in mourning like this in over a decade. The Luke-warm hurrahs of Times Square will be too much to bear.  It’s been a struggle, one that is finally starting to lessen, because I know that despite how gloomy it has seemed, despite the daunting tasks ahead, I’m getting ready. But I’m so so tired. So, this year I will embrace my exhaustion and sleep. Because beginning tomorrow, I have to be ready to go back to work. And fortunately, it’ll never be alone.