As we in the adoption community know all to well, the process of adoption has evolved dramatically over the years. Up until the 60’s or 70’s it was much like as it was depicted in the movie, Philomena (the movie version being a bit at the extreme end of the spectrum.) The adoption was a hush-hush affair on all sides, the adoptee never knowing that she was adopted. Instead, she was told a lie where she was in fact the biological offspring of the adoptive parents. In most cases there was nothing malicious about this; it was thought that this was best for all concerned, particularly the child. Well, we know how that worked out.
Then there was the stage in which we found ourselves in the early 90’s. The adoption wasn’t kept a secret at all. Unfortunately, many adoptive parents knew little or nothing about the birth parents and birth family. Oftentimes, the birth mother gave strict instructions that she was not to be contacted, as was the case with us. Again, this was probably not out of malice but, rather, shame or fear. Perhaps the mother had a husband and family. Her pregnancy might have been the result of an affair, which if revealed, could destroy her marriage. Who knows?
For lack of a better word, ours was a “closed” adoption. We were told that Casey’s mother did not want to be contacted. We never told her that out of fear that it would’ve been too hurtful. So we made up a story, the classic, “your mother loved you very much but wanted you to have a better life.” And that was probably true, but then how would you explain the fact that she had other children?
In our neighborhood in Marin County, Casey had 2 other friends who were adopted under different circumstances. Ian was adopted at birth from a birth mother in the Midwest; his parents had her contact information. Esme was received by her parents under an open adoption; her birth parents lived in the Bay Area, and they visited her regularly.
While we always assured Casey that if she ever wanted to contact her birth mother we would do everything we could to reach her. These days, with the Internet, an increasing number of adoptee reunification services and private investigators, it is increasingly possible to connect adoptee with birth mother. But secretly, Erika and I had our fears and reservations. Would the experience blow up in Casey’s face, leaving her even more emotionally scarred? Would we have to endure a complicated, uncomfortable and potentially jealous relationship? Would we be taken advantage of? Would Casey pit both sets of parents against each other? On the one hand I was dying to know what Casey’s birth mother was like, what she looked like, what kind of personality she had, what mannerisms Casey inherited from her. On the other, I was just as happy to keep her at arms length.
I don’t know that there is a magic answer that suits every adoptive family. Open and closed adoptions each have their weaknesses and benefits. But knowing what I know now, I do believe that an open adoption is better for the child, just to have that primal connection with the person who brought you to life. There is always the possibility that a reunion could prove disastrous, but I think it’s a risk worth taking. Many adoptees – Casey (and her friend Ian) included – insist they want nothing to do with their birth mother, and that’s understandable. But as one adoption therapist asked me, “Did you believe her?” It never occurred to me to challenge her.
Perhaps a middle ground could be to provide the child with the mother’s contact information, just enough to let the child explore on her own in her own time at her own pace. That’s why we have Facebook.
Written By John Brooks
Open or “Closed” Adoption. Is One Better Than The Other? was originally published @ Parenting and Attachment and has been syndicated with permission.
Our authors want to hear from you! Click to leave a comment
Related Posts
Thank you for starting a conversation on this very important topic. I am an adult adopted person. While I understand this is your commentary, and you are but one adoptive parent in the vast sea of adoptionland, I find that your historical account of adoption in this country to be narrow and over-simplistic. While I’ve been aware of a couple of instances personally where there was a “hush-hush” attitude on the adopters side of the triad, the vast majority of adoptees grew up knowing they were adopted, myself included. I also find it very offensive that you feel Facebook is an adult adopted person’s gateway to explore what is their birthright. All adopted people should have access to their unaltered original birth certificate when they reach the age of maturation. It is then up to that adult, and not their adoptive parents, to seek out birth relatives if they choose. As social workers, we have an ethical responsibility to advocate for the rights of adopted person’s which includes disclosure of the truth. While your daughter may not want to have contact with her biological relatives, she, like all adoptees, should have access to her birth information. Anything less, is not social justice. On a final note, I would be interested in hearing why you believe that your daughter is “emotionally scarred” as a result of being an adopted person.
Hi Stacy – Thanks for your very astute comments. Couldn’t agree with you more. As you rightly point out I am but one person in the adoption triad speaking from my experience. I do confess that my comments on the evolution of adoption were based more on heresy than on hard reporting, but I do think there is some truth to this, but to what degree? Harder to say. I agree that adoptees deserve access to information on their birth families to explore as they say fit; that wasn’t possible for us. As for Casey being “emotionally scarred” by being an “adopted person?” I wouldn’t choose those particular words because it lends a negative stigma to adoptees as people. Perhaps clumsy choice of words on my part. I was speaking more to her early life experience of abandonment and institutionalization and how it appeared to manifest later in life. I wrote an entire book about it, The Girl Behind The Door. If you’re interested you can get it on Amazon and Kindle.
Anyway thanks again for responding with your thoughts!
I will certainly check out your book John and thank you for your part in the conversation on the complex issue of adoption. As we gain momentum in this country to obtain equal rights for adopted people in adulthood, I believe that everyone involved must lend their voice to the discussion.
I tend to agree with this article, however, the distinction needs to be made between private, relinquished adoption circumstances and adoptions where the child is removed for reasons of neglect, abuse and safety.
My children were adopted through the L.A. County DCFS. We were taught to have an open adoption as a qualifier to acceptance as adoptive parents. We were also taught to keep the kids safe. The multiple birthparents are all addicts with extensive criminal records and I do not feel comfortable re-exposing them to the very people who so severely abused them in the first place. I do explain their lineage as is age appropriate, but do not believe a relationship with parents of this nature is “in their best interests.”